


not afraid of anything (even time)

by mapped



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-27
Updated: 2009-05-27
Packaged: 2017-10-19 02:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapped/pseuds/mapped
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The importance of names, and Jack's past, and what it all means, eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not afraid of anything (even time)

♥

The first thing he decides to do when he joins the Time Agency is to find an entirely new name for himself. He wants to be new. He wants to forget the feel of sand sticking to the underside of his feet, and the salty wind blowing his scarf into his face, and the sound of the waves lapping against the shore. He will no longer be an ordinary Boeshane boy. He has potential. He will go places, he will go further than everyone else. When his mother lets go of his hand for the very last time, he tries very hard not to think of Gray.

He is the first recruit in the Agency. In his dorm, he is joined by a bright-eyed young man called Kasper. Kasper doesn't ask what his name is, and says instead, "Do you want to see a card trick?"

He is puzzled but Kasper's smile and enthusiasm overwhelms him a little, so he follows Kasper's instructions, taking a card from the 'deck' that Kasper offers him. "Don't tell me what card it is." He studies the card with its figure that looked the same upside down, the two J's and the four red hearts, wonders what all of it means. After some shuffling and mysterious questions, Kasper says, "Drumroll!" and is met with a confused gaze. Kasper sighs, and says, "You've got a Jack of hearts."

"Jack of hearts?" He puts down the card he's holding, not quite understanding. "Is that what this is called?"

"I was right!" Kasper says with obvious pride in his voice. "I've never had psychic training or anything, before you ask. I just picked up that trick from my brother! He studies the history of human leisure. Apparently humans loved card tricks. And card games. Have you never seen a pack of cards before? No? Well, there are four suites: hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. Hearts and diamonds are red, and clubs and spades are black. There's ace, which is one, then two to ten, then jack, then queen, then king. Aces can be bigger than kings, but that apparently depends on what game you're playing. I haven't really got the hang of it yet. I could show you how to play a game later, after dinner, if you want." Kasper's bright blue eyes are staring straight into his, bold and clear. Intriguingly inviting.

His breath almost catches, and he senses the jump ahead. He doesn't have to make the jump, but he wants to. So he does.

"Yeah, I'd love that," he replies. A pause, as he glances down at the card, thin and worn. Jack of hearts. "By the way, my name's Jack," he blurts. Names are important. He licks his lips nervously and wonders whether he's going to regret this.

But then Kasper smiles and says, "I like it. Now come to dinner with me, _Jack_."

So Jack doesn't regret it.

\---

Weeks later, they are being issued their first wrist straps. "We've blocked most of the functions on them at the moment— you wouldn't understand how to use them yet; it would be too dangerous," the instructors warns, as the newly-delivered cold white boxes are unsealed. "You will learn more about the functions in your lessons, and eventually when you become a fully-fledged Time Agent, you will be able to use all of them. This is your most important possession as a Time Agent.

Never, ever take it off. Never lose it."

As Jack puts it around his wrist and watches Kasper do the same, he notices something curious. "Why are they different sizes?" he asks, quietly, nudging Kasper with his elbow. Then he thinks of something else, and says, delighted, unable to resist, "Oh, wait, mine's bigger than yours!"

Kasper frowns. "Whoever made these must have a cruel sense of humour. Oh well, I'm sure it's not an accurate representation of... well." He smirks.

"How do you know that?" Jack says. "Why, where've you been looking at when I'm getting changed?" The gleam in his eyes is warm and mischievous. Kasper smiles and leans in, close close close until their noses bump.

"Oh, I'm sure you do the same when I'm changing," he says, his voice low, and Jack inhales sharply, feeling a giddy rush of exhilaration and arousal.

"Boys!" the instructor says sharply. "Pay attention." The other recruits are sniggering, and Kasper withdraws immediately, but his hand is lingering by Jack's, so Jack takes it bravely and squeezes it with the promise of things to come.

\---

When Jack comes into the dorm after a long and tiring training session, sweat soaking through his white vest, he heads straight for the shower, but Kasper stands in his way, drawing him into a quick, messy kiss. "How was it?" Kasper asks.

"One of the new recruits beat me," Jack says. "Fuck. I feel disgusting. I need a shower." He tries to sidestep Kasper, but it ends in some sort of clumsy dance around the door to the bathroom.

"Wait. You know, the new recruits are coming in because of you, Boeshane poster boy," Kasper says.

"Yeah, I know. I've heard. I must look attractive, huh?" Jack says, only half-heartedly smug.

"You do look pretty sexy to me, even when you're all sweaty and moody after training. Maybe especially when." He laughs and brushes Jack's cheek with a finger, and all of a sudden, Jack's body feels a little less heavy. "There are so many of them now, you know. But we were the first two." Jack likes the way he sounds almost determined. "You and me. We'll always be the first two." And suddenly he looks too serious and beautiful, his eyes brighter than ever. His hand finds Jack's, and their fingers are threading together. It's moments like this when Jack realises that this is more than he's ever intended it to be, and Kasper is so ridiculously cheesy sometimes but Jack loves it. Loves him.

"We're getting our first mission next week," Kasper says after a while. "Excited? Nervous? Glad that we finally get to do something useful after training for so long?"

"Bit of everything," Jack shrugs. "Look, I really need a shower." But he doesn't even want to let go of Kasper's hand, and Kasper doesn't seem to either. After a few seconds of silence, Jack gives up, smiles widely, and tugs on Kasper's hand. "Oh, come have a shower with me then."

"That's what I was waiting for," Kasper says, smiling back.

\---

Kasper dies on their third mission together.

When a backup team drags Jack back to the present, back to the Time Agency, he is screaming and kicking and he doesn't want to believe it. Doesn't want to leave Kasper behind. He is sedated and locked into his dorm. He spends the whole day staring up at the off-white ceiling and resolutely not looking at anything else. Not looking at Kasper's bed across the room, at the book he had been reading, at the dirty socks on the floor.

He doesn't blame himself. Not really. He doesn't think about Gray either. Not at all. He tries to tell himself that it's the Time Agency's fault, for wrongly assessing the risk of the situation. They should never have been sent on such a dangerous mission in the first place.

He doesn't even want to think about how he's going to write the mission report, but somehow words start flooding into his mind, filling him with images of Kasper bleeding, Kasper trying to get up, Kasper crying. He thinks these words will be painfully etched onto his mind forever.

Eventually someone comes in, to tell Jack to come to dinner, and that Kasper's body has been retrieved. "It's being sent to the crematorium. His possessions will all be kept by the Time Agency. Now come, Jack, you really need some food. It'll make you feel better."

The boy looks unfamiliar to Jack. Jack tries very hard not to yell at him, not to take the boy by his shoulders and shake him hard and shout, _No, I'm not going to fucking feel better_. He just asks very quietly, "What are they doing with the ashes?"

"I don't know. They didn't tell me," the boy says. Jack can see the boy trembling, can almost taste his fear, so obvious in the perspiration on his forehead and in the dilation of his pupils.

Jack decides he doesn't really give a shit anymore. "I'm not going to dinner." He slams the door in the kid's face.

Before anyone comes to take Kasper's stuff away, Jack decides to keep something for himself. Just one thing. No one will know.

He takes the pack of cards.

\---

♦

He refuses to have anyone new in his dorm for half a year. With Kasper's stuff gone, his dorm is cold and empty and sometimes at night, the sound of his own heartbeat drives him crazy. During those six months he accepts missions, but he demands to be paired with someone different everytime. The Time Agency accepts his requests only because he's their best and oldest recruit, and they can't lose him too.

For one of them, he goes to Ancient Greece to retrieve a lost document. He accidentally gets separated from his partner when they arrive in Greece. While he waits for his partner to come back to him (he's too lazy to go look for him, and who even freaking cares about a lost document anyway?), he decides to drop by the gymnasium. He hasn't done much training in a while, and watching naked Greek young men work out doesn't sound half bad.

He spends some time first lurking around the portico, distracted and amused by a philosopher giving a lecture on the nature of time and the infinity of the universe. He finds it fascinating how much thought even the Ancient Greeks put into these subjects.

He gets into a couple of wrestling matches and runs several lengths in the stadium, and then he's dipping into one of the baths, eyes sliding over the other people in the same pool in vague interest. But none of them really stand out, and his limbs feel loose in the hot water and he's somewhat too detached and relaxed to really want to do anything right now, so he massages his own arms and lets himself drift.

But someone slips into the water right next to him with a tiny splash, a little too close, and he opens his eyes and moves away. He thinks he recognises the face before him from somewhere, but he's not too sure. It doesn't quite look like it belongs here in Ancient Greece.

"Achilles," the man introduces himself, with a smile that doesn't feel quite right.

"Like the Greek hero?" Jack asks, slightly wary.

"Yeah," Achilles replies. "Chose the name myself. You like it? Strong, handsome, kickass warrior hero. That's me."

"Yeah, except with one terrible weakness that will ultimately lead to your downfall. No thanks," Jack says.

"Oh, you know your Greek mythology quite well. Jack, right?" Achilles says.

"Yes, I read up on quite a bit of Greek stuff before I came here," Jack replies. "I'm guessing you're from the Agency, then? It's gotten so big these days. I remember when I used to know everyone's faces and names."

"You were the first," Achilles says. "Fancy that. I finally get to talk to the Boeshane poster boy." Jack's stomach does an unpleasant flip. "That was some awesome naked wrestling you did there. Won both your matches, I see. Wouldn't have minded having a match with you." Achilles has somehow edged close again, so that Jack can feel Achilles' breath warm on his cheeks.

"Why are you here?" Jack asks. "Are you on a mission too?"

"No, I'm just on break, actually. Came here to admire all the lovely Greek boys. Mmm, you gotta admit those Greeks got the whole 'aesthetic appreciation of the male body' thing right. You saying _you're_ on a mission? Doesn't seem like it to me," Achilles says, raising his eyebrows.

"Got separated from my partner. Just waiting for him to get back to me. Meanwhile, I thought I should just hang out here. Keep up with training," Jack says.

"Not looking for a hot guy then?" Achilles says, smirking. Damn, the smirking thing really turns him on, and he's not quite so relaxed anymore.

"I guess I am now," Jack says, after a moment or two. Achilles gets out of the water in one graceful movement, walks away with an unabashed swagger, decidedly showing off his ass, and Jack follows him. They end up having a quick fuck in a dark, deserted corner of the gymnasium, with Jack pushing Achilles up against a cold stone pillar and their bodies, still wet from the bath, sliding against each other almost in desperation from all those months that Jack's body hasn't been touched.

After Jack comes, muffling his grunt by biting hard into Achilles' shoulder, Achilles cleans himself up with a towel (Jack very idly wonders if the Ancient Greeks invented towels) and says, "I heard about what happened to your other partner. I'm sorry." He is looking directly into Jack's eyes, and it's the first time Jack has heard those two words from anyone since Kasper's death. They sound impossibly sincere, uttered from Achilles' swollen red lips, and yet Jack knows that Achilles doesn't give a shit. No one does. He wants to say _fuck off_ , but then Achilles leans in and kisses him with those glorious lips and Jack doesn't care that no one cares anymore. He can accept a lie, in exchange for this momentarily exhilarating comfort.

\---

After that brief encounter in Greece, the next time Jack sees Achilles is three years later in Jack's personal timeline.

Meanwhile, someone new has moved into Jack's dorm. They don't talk much. Jack is permanently ( _permanently_ — until one of them dies, that is) partnered with someone else. In one mission, they got stuck in the 38th century in some kind of intricate time prison whilst a civil war raged, and Jack was occasionally forced to work for one of the sides as a torturer until they were finally rescued by reinforcements ( _never seen this sort of time trap before, sorry it took us so long_ — yeah, two fucking years).

After missions, he goes out to one of the underground pubs and gets himself completely pissed on hypervodkas. Once, he stumbles into Achilles on his way out of the pub. "You stink," Achilles mutters, shoving Jack off.

Jack blinks. It's too dark to see much; the interior of the pub is not well-lit, and outside the two moons are thickly shielded by layers of black clouds. But he thinks he knows the voice. "Achilles?" he breathes, uncertainly.

"Well. Actually, I've changed my name again, but you can stick to that if you want. I suppose I'll always be your dashing Greek hero, huh?" Achilles says. "You still Jack, I'm guessing?"

Jack nods. "What's the deal with... changing your name so often?"

"Often? Not really. It's been forever," Achilles says. "Listen, my partner just died, and I need a new one. I requested for you. You think you're gonna accept?"

"What?" Jack says, a little surprised and too dazed to form a coherent reply. "Your partner— I."

"Oh, whatever. Go," Achilles says, pushing Jack out. "Good luck with that hangover tomorrow. At least think about it, okay? You know we'll be great together. Conquering the stars." One of the moons comes out of the clouds, and Jack just manages to make out Achilles' wink.

\---

When the request officially gets through to him, he asks about his current partner. "So... I can just abandon him like that?"

"Neo" — _Neo?_ And then Jack remembers that it's Achilles' new name — "is senior to your current partner, and since Neo's partner just died, he has the right to request his next partner. And you have the right to deny his request."

He spends some time considering it, and then he thinks of Achilles' lips pressing kisses onto his neck, Achilles' hand wrapping around his cock, and he doesn't think anyone can deny that.

Their first mission together, after the main mission objective has been accomplished, they somehow end up in bed with the two alien ambassadors of the planet Ashl after one too many drinks on everyone's part (except for maybe Achilles, since he probably intended for this to happen from the very beginning).

Jack hasn't slept with aliens in years, not since he joined the Time Agency, and he has almost forgotten how extraordinary it is to communicate with other species in such a way, to learn new things about pleasure. And afterwards, Jack congratulates himself for agreeing to becoming Achilles' partner. He couldn't have made a better decision.

\---

The time loop is the most hilarious thing that has ever happened to him.

Some time travellers have stolen extremely valuable diamonds from an exhibition on the planet Noid in the 51st century and hidden them somewhere on Earth in the 27th century, and Jack and Achilles have been sent to retrieve them.

So they spend two weeks finding the specific location of the diamonds while staying at a rented apartment. Achilles gets distracted by the miracles of 27th-century drugs ("I can't believe it, they're even better than 51st-century ones, I swear!"), and Jack is delighted to find that people on 27th-century Earth still play card games. He happily indulges in a couple of games in the local pubs while slyly turning it into a method of extracting information from people. He is surprisingly good at it, and soon they are staking out near the underground hideout of the criminals. And when they are confident enough with their activity patterns, they sneak in, stun a few guards (except Achilles gets a little too stun-gun-happy and kills two of them without much remorse: "Is he dead? Oops, my bad"), and acquire the diamonds easily.

And then, all of a sudden, they are back to the beginning of those two weeks, just landed, the roar of the vortex fading. They go through the two weeks, Jack chatting to the locals and swapping stories. At night Jack and Achilles bury themselves in each other, scrabbling at the sheets and moaning into messy kisses.

They are ridiculously domestic, buying groceries and taking turns in the kitchen. (Achilles' hands creeping under Jack's apron, Jack's shirt, smoothing down Jack's chest as Jack is cooking.)

This happens over and over again, along with the stakeout and the retrieval of the diamonds. It takes them too many loops to realise what's going on, and even more loops for them to finally break free. When they've brought the diamonds back to the Noidans safely, and they realise after some calculations that the time loop had extended two weeks into five years, Achilles files for a dorm change, and Jack doesn't say no. He still can't even remember his current dormmate's name.

And they've already been living together for five years, anyway. _Five years._ Everyone is laughing at them. They might as well.

\---

Their missions get darker and dirtier each time, and every escape leaves scars on Jack's skin. Jack wonders at what the heck the Agency is really up to; he thinks he can feel something heavy and sinister in the air. He doesn't think about it too much, but one time, when he and Achilles are lying in bed at night, he says, "Don't you think the Agency feels... wrong? Sometimes?"

"What do you mean?" Achilles says, frowning.

There is something strangely malicious about Achilles' narrowing eyes.

"Nothing," Jack says, and turns over so that he's not facing Achilles anymore.

\---

♣

One day Jack wakes up and discovers he is missing two years.

He tries to find out where the two years have gone, but without much success. Achilles says absolutely nothing useful to him. "It's probably just the stress, that can happen, you know," Achilles tells him. Jack doesn't believe him.

When the Time Agency doesn't answer any of his questions either, Jack packs up and leaves. He shrugs off Achilles' hand on his shoulder and doesn't look back. Just runs.

After several road trips on different planets in different time periods, hitchhiking and conning his way through cities, trying out new things and new species along the way and managing to acquire a Chula spacecraft from one hell of a gorgeous Chula soldier, he arrives at 20th-century Earth. He's sitting in a night club in Cardiff, enjoying the jazz music and watching couples sway to the beat, when he decides that he can stay here a while. It's not too bad here, even with the Blitz and all, and World War II has always been one of his favourite periods of Earth history. He gets to live it now.

Some girls sit down near him, and as he sips his drink, he can't help but listen in on their conversation.

"Have you heard, the American RAF pilot that Nancy liked— he died yesterday," one of them says, in a very pitiful voice. "She's in such a state right now."

"Oh yes, Captain Jack Harkness, right?" another one replies, and Jack almost smiles at the name, an idea already forming in his head. "I met him the other day, such a handsome fellow. She was gushing over him so much as well. Must be heartbroken! This war is terrible. How did he die?"

"I don't really know, it was just supposed to be an ordinary training exercise, I think," the first girl says. "It's all so tragic, isn't it?"

And so Jack moves to London and effortlessly becomes Captain Jack Harkness there. He's heard about the Chula transport that will be landing there soon, so he tethers his Chula spacecraft to Big Ben and waits for it to happen. It will probably attract a Time Agent, he tells himself, and wonders if, with this simple con, he'll finally get his memories back somehow. He doesn't get his hopes up, though, and tells himself to just expect a small sum of money.

And then everything _doesn't_ go according to plan, and in the end, he gets so much more than he ever expected.

\---

Some time during the 20th century, he falls in love with a girl unexpectedly while waiting for the Doctor to come for him, and he marries her even though he knows he shouldn't, after all that's happened to him, all those things that she will never even dream of, that he can never tell her. But she knows some of the truth, at least. She knows that he will outlive her, but she doesn't give a damn. She even knows that Jack Harkness isn't his real name, but she doesn't need to know his real name. She's accepted that Jack Harkness is who he is. Jack Harkness is who she's fallen in love with and whom she's going to marry. So Jack marries her without regrets.

\---

He never thought he would meet Achilles again. Somewhere along the way, he's convinced himself that Achilles has something to do with his two lost years, but now he no longer cares. Two years is nothing. After all, he's already naturally forgotten more than two years of his life and he knows he will carry on forgetting as he carries on living.

He walks into that bar and Achilles is there, waiting for him, walking towards him, and all Jack can think of is how much he wants to kiss him. How irresistible he still is. When they're standing before each other, their hot breaths mingling, he just has to dive in and hungrily press his lips onto Achilles'. He wonders how long it has been in Achilles' personal timeline, but it cannot possibly have been anywhere near as long as it has been for him. There is still something so utterly raw and powerful about this, and he has to try desperately to rein himself in, to remind himself that he doesn't want this anymore. It takes so much just to pull away, he almost feels guilty about it.

Achilles introduces himself as Captain John Hart. A different name again. Jack knows Achilles well enough to have expected as much, and he just catches the flicker of surprise on Achilles' face when he realises Jack is still Jack.

\---

Some nights later, after Jack has taken Ianto out on the date that he's promised to, they are having sex in Ianto's flat, and when Ianto is about to come with Jack's hand around his cock, he whispers Jack's name over and over again until he's tumbling over the edge. And Jack is shocked by how he finds something as simple as this to be so beautiful. "Ianto," he breathes, savouring the name on his tongue, and he smiles at Ianto's pleased expression. "Ianto," he repeats, and leans in to kiss Ianto, to touch Ianto's hair and Ianto's face. He presses soft kisses into the curve of Ianto's neck, makes Ianto say his name again.

"Jack." And again and again.

As Ianto falls asleep in Jack's arms, Jack looks at the stars in the sky outside and doesn't even miss them a tiny bit.

\---

♠

When Gray plunges the knife into him, in his head Jack is reliving the moment that he let go of his little brother's hand. The knife twists in him and he falls and the pain washes away everything.

Later, he watches John (no, not Achilles, not anymore) lift the spade and shovel the dirt onto him, and then the dirt gets into his eyes and he has to close them. He is terrified, but there is no way out, and the weight of the soil piling on top of him holds him down. The thought that he will be held down in the dark by this weight for infinity, dying and coming back to life repeatedly, while the city grows on top of him, where no one will know his name for almost two thousand years yet, makes him more fucking scared than he has ever been before. He keeps thinking, over and over, _I deserve this_ , but that doesn't help this frightening, sinking, helpless feeling of death.

Soon, he can no longer breathe.

And when he gulps for air again, the earth pours into his mouth and he coughs and chokes and dies a second time. After a few tries, he manages to stay alive for a little longer.

In between deaths, he thinks about the ring that John has given him, and he thinks about John himself. Achilles. He admires the man's fondness for changing names, and wonders how many other names John has that he will never know. He trusts that the ring has a purpose, and he finally recognises that John is still the Achilles that got stuck in a time loop with him. He laughs at the thought of five years of such simple happiness; he used to think the five years were wasted time, but now that he has forever, it no longer compares.

He thinks about Kasper for a brief moment, and wonders if eventually, the years of desolation ahead will erase these memories. So he holds onto the image of the Jack of hearts for as long as possible and hopes that he will stay with this name for as long as he lives.

And then time blurs and he tries very, very hard to recall Torchwood.

And suddenly he is breathing, fresh air rushing into his lungs, and when he forces his eyes open, the sunlight almost blinds him. He finds himself screaming and there are tears running down his face and he has lost all memory of reason. Voices calm him, hands soothe him, and the warmth of that contact makes him sob a little more. The faces before him are vaguely familiar.

"Torchwood," he gasps. That word. Air, air, air. Buildings in the background. Cardiff. Torchwood. Jack.

He faints, and Torchwood has to drag him back to the Hub.

\---

When he's dealt with Gray and he goes to the cells, he hears Gwen's voice call him, "Jack!" He almost starts crying. That name. _That name._ That's his name. He doesn't really remember why anymore, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that someone knows his name, and is using it with such joy. He lets Gwen hug him and he holds Ianto close and he breathes, breathes, because these people know him. These people know him and love him and he is here, at last, after two thousand years of burial and abandonment.

\---

"Wait. You know, I never asked you," John says, turning back just as he's about to walk out of sight. "Why are you still called Jack? It's not your real name, is it? I've changed names more times than I can count now, and yet you still have the same name as from when we first met. And you've lived longer than I have."

"I don't think it's my real name, but it might as well be. Why not?" Jack says simply, smiling. "It's a good name."


End file.
